STOP Fearing Rejection: Be the REAL You!
I spent about half of my life “trying to be” someone.
Maybe it was because of the over-judgmental family that I talk about quite a bit in my book Truth Bomb (shameless plug) or something else, but I was always trying to figure out who I was supposed to be.
It never entered my mind the answer to that was “me.”
I was always ashamed of who I was… from my older sisters incessant (and over-the-top mean) habits of picking on me to the little boy in kindergarten who pointed at my thigh as I was sitting and said: “you’re fat!” – I just always felt like I was too dumb or too young or too fat or too… something.
All of these experiences led me to fear rejection and become a shapeshifter – always changing who I was depending on who was around me.
Looking back, it breaks my heart.
It now feels as though that was someone else’s life – and I’m extremely grateful I can say that.
We’re given different templates to live by: our families start out teaching us what to believe and how to behave, and then we get more instruction from outside sources as we move on…
Though as small children we’re asked inspiring questions such as “What do you want to be when you grow up?” we quickly have the “individuality” of our wants, needs, desires, and dreams taught out of us.
When I was young I wanted to be a marine biologist.
I love everything about the ocean and marine life – always have and still do – and thanks to nay-sayers, I believed that I was not smart enough in the right areas to be a marine biologist.
Side note: I never asked a marine biologist that question… beware your sources of opinions!
That damage to my self-esteem and identity was done at a young age, and it snowballed from there.
I started doubting my own instincts and constantly needed outside opinions before making decisions.
It was a miserable downward spiral that ended up causing massive stress, anxiety and dependency issues as I grew older.
There’s more about this and what we’re addressing in this blog on our latest YouTube video, so check that out as well.
This blog will give you a short checklist of things to think about, turn into journaling exercises, or implement in your life so you can shed that “false self” and embrace your own authenticity.
- What Do You Really Want?
Not just that… WHY?
This is an important thing to know.
Far too often I’ll get into an initial session with someone who cannot tell me what he or she actually wants… the person will know that whatever it is that’s wanted or needed is simply not what they have.
That’s a starting point, though a weak one.
Take some time to explore what it is you really want.
Write down the big ideas and little ideas.
If you’ve always wanted to have a small dog as a companion but haven’t ever “gone there,” then write that down.
If you want to start your own business, climb Mt. Kilimanjaro, or paint a portrait… write those things down.
Know all of the things that you really want, and then explore the “why” behind them.
Do you want to paint a portrait to prove you can?
Do you want to climb the mountain because of some photos you saw as a kid and you’ve always dreamed of experiencing it yourself?
Know the what, and identify the why so you can have an emotional connection to the goal.
- What Do You NOT Want?
Ah… here’s that thing we usually know before we can answer the first question.
Here’s a link to a tool that will help you figure out the things that are getting in your way in your life.
It will guide you through figuring out what they are so you can come up with plans to eliminate them, or at very least reduce their impact on your life.
This is a basic tool I use with a lot of clients, and then in our private sessions we take it a step farther – whether you have private sessions with me or not, it can help you start unraveling the knots that are keeping you tangled up and stuck.
- When Do You Feel Judged?
This is a biggie… and I give a (kinda gross) confessional on this one in that YouTube video I already mentioned.
The bottom line on this one is that no one is paying as much attention to you (your flaws, etc.) as you think they are.
You are the center of your own universe.
You are not the center of everyone else’s universe.
Even a newborn baby does not consider his mother the center of his universe… HE is the center of his own universe!
It stays that way.
This is an excellent thing to explore through journaling and discussion with your coach – when do you feel judged?
Why do you feel judged?
How does it make you feel?
What does it prompt you to do?
As Bill Gates says, everyone needs a coach. This is just one of the few areas a good coach can help you grow.
If you’re ready to make a move to the next level, I’m inviting you to a no-strings free session to assess your coaching needs and goals to see if this is the right time and to make some recommendations to inform your next steps.
You never know unless you step out and try… and if clicking that link is something that makes you pause and wonder if you should… the doubt in your mind is a sign that maybe you should.